Fag. Homo. Queer. These were the words Michael grew accustomed to hearing as he walked the halls of his school. He hated those words. He didn’t even understand what they meant. They were words he never wanted to hear and things he never wanted to be. He remembers getting tunnel vision as he walked those halls. He was trying to blur everything around him like a Van Gogh painting. He thought, “If I just focused on where I was going maybe they would leave me alone, for once”. It never happened.

From his earliest memories he knew he was different. He just didn’t know what about him made him different. His mother struggling with the realities of her son would tell him that he was delivered by aliens to test her. If those aliens were transvestites with a passion for pop divas, she might be right.

The bullying left Micheal painfully shy. The fear meant that often his mother had to speak on his behalf. The need to speak for him was coming from a place of love and protection. The lack of skills to deal with situations meant that he wasn’t prepared to endure the mental abuse that would come his way on a daily basis. It was abuse. The taunts and jeers told him he wasn’t good enough, that he wasn’t wroth and that he was a nobody. The abuse started at school and then would continue at home when his father would either ignore or scream at him.

Growing up he had friends but yet he felt totally alone. Invisible. He needed someone to notice or care about him. We all seek validation through our relationships, jobs, children and for Michael he was desperate to receive the validation he needed. The sense of being worthless overwhelmed him and in an ultimate cry for help he attempted to take his own life. He was desperate for someone to love him and make him feel whole.

The reality was that there were already many who loved him but he couldn’t see it through his own pain. He let those take control of his life and believed all the horrible things they had said. He was damaged and couldn’t see that all needed was the love from himself. It was time for a change.

Fag. Home. Queer. To that I say, “Yes I am!”. Pandora Boxx was born. Today she embraces and is proud to be a gay man. She is proud to be who she is. The names that brought her pain and almost ended her life she wears today with a badge of honor. She is sharing her life experience so that her audience can see we are all not so different.

2011/12