“I BLURED MYSELF INTO THE SEA OF FACES, UNNOTICED AND NOT HAVING THE COURAGE TO SPEAK OUT.”

It is coming on six years since President Clinton rolled out the controversial policy that came to be known as “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” which changed the long-standing bar against gay men and women serving in the U.S. military.  Since this policy approx. 12 000 service members have been removed from the military.

The conversation and policy is up for debate again since President Obama took office.

There is an estimated 65,000 service men and women that are gay (a UCLA study’s estimate), and since President Obama took office, 287 service members have been discharged for being gay, according to the Service members Legal Defense Network, which supports the repeal.  For those that remain, as Aubrey Sarvis, an ex-GI and executive director of the Service members Legal Defense  states— “it means you have to lie or deceive every day.”

In a FOX news article, Obama to End Military’s ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ Policy, which also includes a video clip, where White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs is asked, ‘Is the new administration going to get rid of the “don’t ask, don’t tell policy?’” – Gibbs, looking into the camera. “You don’t hear a politician give a one-word answer much. But it’s, ‘Yes.’”

The article, Efficacy of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell which appeared in Joint Force Quarterly says that in countries where bans on homosexuals’ serving openly in the military were lifted, including Australia, Canada and Britain, there was no “mass exodus” of heterosexual service members and no impact on military performance.

I think it is important for us at Hope’s Voice to look at this issue and more importantly to talk about it. At Hope’s Voice we have many brave young people who are talking about about being gay and about HIV positive.  It wasn’t until recently I realized that these young people are privileged to have the opportunity. There are some some people in the US who cannot talk about either. These young people are dedicated and courageously enrolled in the service, for their country – who as I found out after meeting one of these individuals would love to share their story – but, because of a US policy they do not have freedom of speech.  This young man that I met  shared with me his passion for the Navy, his love for his country and his fear, isolation and stress about being found out.  He became HIV positive while in the service so he was able to remain in the Service, and is very thankful for his amazing health care they provide – but he is now limited because of his HIV status.

His story really struck me as important, and although you can’t see his face, or know his name you can hear his voice.  In an email to me he stated,  “I blurred myself into the sea of faces, unnoticed and not having the courage to speak out, now I am ready!” – and we are honored to provide the platform for him to do so.   Please read his story and take action, talk about it, share the link, write your senator – make sure his voice is heard.

It seems that every Monday morning before the tedious and dreaded tasks of the week are given out by our Leading Petty Officer, everyone gathers around and talks about their weekends. It’s every homosexual military service member’s nightmare. As the group goes around in turn telling their stories of partying, concerts and bar hopping, the “gay guy” frantically tries to fabricate an event to conceal that he actually went out to a gay nightclub with his friends and actually had a great time. He wouldn’t dare tell the group that he went the a “GAY” event. So, his turn finally comes around and he shamefully lies,” Oh, I just stayed home and watched TV.” This may sound petty and insignificant, but when someone is not allowed to speak freely (which alludes to our Freedom of Speech in the Bill of Rights), and having to monitor your every word and step to not cause conflict, which may result in being discharged from the military is no easy feat. It’s tiresome. It forces you to NOT be you! Then who or what are you if you have no voice?!

Take this challenge if you may. I dare you, I implore you. Go to work and when approached by your friends, don’t talk about what you did last night, your past weekend, your significant other, where you went, your other friends, what you talked about, what show you watch, what movie you saw, your future, kids you may possibly want, where you volunteer…the list goes on and on. After you have censored yourself for about a week, let me know how you feel. Let me know how hard it was. Let me know how you felt. Caged? Stressed? Violated? No one to talk to? No where to go? Second class citizen? It’s mind-numbing and infuriating. That’s what countless military members have to go through day in and day out for many years.

Summer is HERE! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the day couldn’t get any better, right? Wrong. It’s the command’s family picnic day, a day in which the military members are allowed to bring their love ones on base to enjoy a day full of activities and games for the children, while the adults take part in many sporting events. Unfortunately, one service member is not enjoying his summer day. Hetries to muster up a laugh or two and play along in the festivities,careful not too draw too much attention to himself and his frustration. It seems everyone is asking him why he is not enjoying himself. Where is his girlfriend or wife? He is frustrated because he does not see why everyone else is allowed to bring their significant others, but he can’t. How is that fair? Does he not perform his duties the same, if not better, than his co-workers? Does he not uphold the command’s mission just as well as the other service members? Will he not fight as hard or even give up his life for the rights and freedoms of all Americans for the United States of America!?!

Let’s say he did bring someone to the command picnic. He goes around and introduces “this person” as his “best friend” or “roommate”. Inside, he wishes he could introduce this person as his lover, his life partner, his husband. But, he can’t. He is ashamed that after coming out of the closet to his family and friends, he is now forced back in with the door slammed in his face and demanded to live in a dark prison.

Unfortunately, being gay in the military is not my only obstacle. I have another battle to fight. I became HIV positive after serving approximately 3 years in the Navy. Yes, the Navy has been very supportive with my medical, emotional, and psychological well-being. But, as helpful as they are, they have also set many limitations to my career and service in the armed forces. For example, I am not allowed to deploy to any country outside the United States. In fact, I’m restricted to only being stationed near a major medical treatment facility. It’s upsetting seeing that I can perform my duties just as well as any other military member, yet still set in the back burner.

I recently was told that I would not be able to apply to become an officer in the Navy. Becoming an officer would enhance my career and success by placing me in a position of authority and responsibility. When I inquired why, I was simply told because I am not deployable, therefore, denied. It’s commonly known in the Navy, many officers are not always deployed or even considered for deployment at all.
It seems, since the HIV is still stigmatized as a gay disease, I feel it’s another legalized form of discrimination and oppression of the GLBT community in the military.

Well, these examples are in reality, stories of my life. I am that guy. I am that guy that has to hide who he is. Sometimes I feel that I have lost that person inside and am no longer “me”. Sometimes, when you live in a lie for so long, you become that lie.

I don’t want to live in a lie anymore.

Written By Brandy Svendson and an anonymous friend.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Pursue Database -The Don’t Database contains primary materials on the U.S. military’s policy on sexual orientation, from World War I to the present.

TIME – Reexamining “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”

TIMES article “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell turns 15“

CNN - Obama aide: Ending ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ must wait

CNN - ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ to get Senate committee review”

NY TIMES - Rare Source of Attack on ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’